Tanaka's Journal
by mooselecki
Summary: Tanaka's thoughts and views of the day. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

Tanaka's Journal.

Entry 1 21/6/1895.

First things first, I would like to introduce myself like the proper gentlemen I am. I go by the name Tanaka, which is weird as I live in the depths of England. It obviously a Japanese name… I don't quite know. My origin is unknown. 'Ho ho ho' is my known catchphrase. I'm believed to say it several times in one day. My interests are drinking cups of tea on a daily basis and polishing my monocle. This brings me to my entry for the day.

Today, my tea had seemed to have been left to go cold… I was frankly sickened by the fact Sebastian allowed this to happen. I will sue him and his precious Ciel and his Funtom Company for the years taken away from my life because of all the stress I have endured. Being repeatedly mocked and humiliated by these buffoons IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Finnian killed my beautiful roses that I grew when I was a mere child. Maylene broke the china I got from Zimbabwe. Bard burnt my ostrich steak. These people who _seem_ to be working for Sebastian have clearly lost the will to live. My moustache has fallen to side many times in disgust because of this monstrosity.

So, I close this log with a word of a wisdom from your fellow house steward, Tanaka. Always respect your elder naan breads. What I mean by this is, never let them turn mouldy. An old, rotten naan bread is a naan bread no more…

**A/N: oh… my… actual… kira. Me and my best friend Liv just wrote this at school together. *glances at clock* It was written in about 15 mins so I don't expect any amazing reviews… I don't normally write in a journal.**

**Liv: Helloo I hate grammar. So. Much.*throws English book out of a nearby window* JOIN US IN THE QUEST FOR TANAKA. I PLEAD WITH YOU AS NOT JUST A KURO FANGIRL, BUT ONE OF TANAKAS BABES.**

**Thanks for reading babies. Please review and give constructive criticism! :D **


	2. Chapter 2

Tanaka's Journal

Entry 2 26/6/1895

Today is a sad day in monocle history. It seems that my beloved and innocent monocle has been tarnished by the pie hole we call Agni. THAT BAFOON! He carelessly knocked my sexy monocle off my beautiful, young, anti-wrinkled face in the midst of his curry-making frenzy.

So, in my madness and anger (possibly lust, too) for Agni, I poked his bejewelled Bindi. When I saw the anger suddenly come across his face, I knew that there was danger ahead. Letting out a series of 'ho ho ho''s, I ran to the cover of my conservatory. I stayed there for many an hour, shivering at the thought at what he would do to me. After running around the grounds like a salty slug he shouted something abominable about a "Bindi Revolution" before the young Phantomhive dude came and demanded a royal piggyback from me, which is a tad bit mysterious because I am only three foot tall.

Thankfully, my tea didn't go cold today, which is an upside to life. That idiot Sebastian finally realised I was not happy with his despicable work. As I write this, I am currently ordering a new monocle straight from Chelonia. It is said that the turtles who ensemble them are most experienced.

Well, that closes my log for today. I'll leave you yet again with another word of excellence. Never paint your ceiling red. It causes an almighty migraine when waking up in the morning.

**A/N: Well… this was the work of me and two of my friends this time. I think we are slightly high. Thanks for reading guys! Hopefully we can keep going with this and write new chapters (: **


	3. Chapter 3

Entry 3 8/7/1895

This morning I went to the royal bingo hall with Finny, Maylene and Bard because they needed their fancy roses to be fabulously clipped. Whilst they were slaving away at their troublesome daily chores I was once again participating in my hourly tea-drinking (today's blend was an excellent Indonesian mixture, combined with a hint of rosemary). When I arrived at the bingo hall, I was shocked to see Grell triumphantly waving bingo card in the air after winning a pencil of great value (not). As per usual, William was face palming at the sight of his idiot sidekick. I don't blame him.

I strolled over to the cafeteria where I purchased a mere baguette, although it was only half price after the man at the counter saw my abnormal height and mistook me for a puppy, the lone buffoon. It was an egg salad baguette, a rather tasty one at that, a delicious individual to dance on the mighty Tanaka tongue. I also pestered Finny to buy me a cappuccino with sixteen sugar cubes, as I was rather parched after finishing my crusty treat.

A word of advice for the future, young ones – never ask a gardener for money because they don't give you any. They just cry their way out of paying for stuff. *insert uber epic sighing face* Also, never dress up as a posh lady for things may end awkwardly at the end of the night…

**A/N: LOL I hope you enjoyed this chapter guys! Thank you ****Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin for giving us some input~ we really appreciate it! We might just keep going with this forever….**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh. What. Has this turned serious? God knows but me and Liv had quite a fun time writing it. Thank you, loyal readers.**

Entry 4 7/12/1895

It seems that I had misplaced my journal for this long period of time I haven't been writing. I apologise for this inconvenience. On the plus side, in this amount of time I have been getting in touch with my inner child and have been making some macaroni collages for a recent Art project I have applied for. They seemed most blown away by my abilities in the modern arts.

Anyway, I went for a casual stroll in the manor gardens this fine, crisp, autumn morning. In the midst of my peaceful walk, though, I was disturbed, finding a rather large, horrid slug sucking on my beautiful petunia flowers. I was rather outraged.

In my temper I stormed back into the posh kitchen and grabbed a salt shaker, determined to avenge my holy flowers. But on the contrary, December has arrived I bellow with joy every morning in Sebastian's face. I don't think he approves but he can suck on my furry moustache.

I found a chocolate orange in a dusty gualguftybus which is the new fangled cup. It is indeed quite mobular, good galoshes I seem to have grown a hefty schedule of the late, which is quite a burden on my miniscule Yoda-like legs. Oh, the paracetemol is running out. Somehow remind me, dear paperback, to gather some or just get Finny to.

That concludes our journey of the day. I look forward to writing again as this has been quite a thrill and ravenous trek as I now need a sample of my earl grey and a mere buttered scone.


	5. Chapter 5

Entry 5 24/1/1896

'All crack's good crack' - According to a rather stoned Grell who I met at the New Year's party a few ravenous weeks ago. It was indeed, _very _mobular.  
>Ciel and I played strip poker at the time I was unaware of the rules. Curse you Sebastian you fiend of a chap. It was quite troublesome getting the old lederhosen off but I did as I enjoyed expressing myself. <em>Literally.<br>_Out on the dance floor, I busted the most SICK moves, (like what the young whippersnappers say nowadays…) although, my hip and back have not taken to the drastic change as of yet. I really need Finny to get me that paracetemol soon.  
>Later that night, me and William engaged in a drinking game. I downed eight shots of liquor whilst William (the blasted devil!) devoured twelve. He must have the bladder of a Chuck Norris! It ended rather awkwardly as the night came to a close. Ciel's bed is mighty bouncy if you get my teacup. (hint hint)<br>The next morning, I awoke, surrounded by Victorian slappers dancing around my little stubby feet. Oh woe is me.  
>Ciel had somehow ended up in a foreign hula skirt. I was rather perplexed by the scene, as Sebastian was engaging in some kind of dance ritual… as usual.<br>Once again, keeping up with tradition, I will end with a word of Tanaka wisdom. When riding a Tyrannosaurus, always keep in mind the road regulations... (As my experience with a speeding ticket didn't go down too well)

A/N: Good god. What is my life anymore… I hope you will enjoy this mighty bouncy chapter! :D


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